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(no subject)

Type: Text
Sender ID: anonymous (Astarion)
To: General Public
Subject: The Rifts
Warnings: None

What is even the point of becoming close to anyone here, if they can all just leave as quickly as they came?

Oh, sure, let's all play our little games and finish our silly little quests and feel this sense of camaraderie working towards a goal we all damn well know is unaccomplishable. And along the way, we can learn the magic of friendship only to have it taken away by the Rifts without any further explanation.

It would be nicer to believe we were being held to the whims of some vengeful god instead of the unfeeling randomness of the Rifts and their "unknowable" magic.

Then, at least, there would be someone to curse for the cruelty of it.

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There are plenty of them where I am from, but I don't think their reach extends this far.

[ Unless you're god's favorite paladin, Xenk, apparently. ]

I only know of one. His reach is far but I don't feel him here or see his handiwork.

[It's unsettling to think of a world with several. Aku was bad enough.

She rolls his other words over in her mind a moment, thinking of the point of camaraderie and getting close to others. She wants to give a comforting answer like she could imagine Jack doing but Ashi more than realizes she isn't as comforting as the samurai could be. Even if she wishes she were.]

I think for me at least the point of getting close to others and having camaraderie is just having it. I already know what it's like to be alone and to not have help when you need it. Even if it's temporary I'd rather have it than experience being alone again.

Or being alone among other people.

Sorry if this makes no sense. I'm not used to writing words on these devices.

[ This is actually good advice he's shocked everyone is so nice here even when he went to cry on the network damn ]

When you're used to being alone and not having help, at least it feels "normal." It's the status quo.

But if you go from that to learning what it's like to not be so alone, what happens if you go back? Isn't it that much worse, now that you know what you're missing?

Yes. It hurts more knowing than not knowing.

[Her hands pause a moment as she tries to reason out how to word her feelings.]

But being alone was like a great chasm inside of me. I never knew myself until I wasn't alone anymore. So while it might be bitter to remember those who do leave. I would not be the person I am now without them.

But that's exactly my point. I don't want to be alone again. My circumstance back home isn't as simple as it is here.

Neither are mine.

[Mm, that's rougher then. She tilts her head some, brow furrowing.]

Are you afraid of being alone now?

Yes.

I would've thought that painfully obvious.

I suppose it should have been. I'm sorry.

Honestly? I'm not that good at giving advice.

For me I'm just used to it. It doesn't feel good, no, but I can't be afraid of it because it won't kill me in the end.

Then again being raised to live like that isn't exactly ideal either.

What does that mean? Raised like what?

[ normally he wouldn't ask but deflecting from his problems seems good! ]

Being raised to ignore everything that can't kill you. Mostly emotions.

[Emotional pain might be just as bad as physical pain but it was hard to express or identify emotional pain when one wasn't given much of a chance to reflect.]

There are things I don't enjoy like being alone but if it's not something that's immediately dangerous I can't be very scared of it.
It does make me sad though.

How did you end up making friends after all of that? Wasn't it hard to make friendships when you didn't understand your own emotions?

It was but I had someone to help me learn. It was difficult to trust him at first but it wasn't exactly hard to understand the idea of friendship.

After all I realize now I'd longed for connections to others all my life even if I didn't acknowledge it.

You do too, yes? Long for connections with others?

I don't know.

I've spent so long using people, and I couldn't afford to care about them when I did that. And now the thought of actually letting someone in is terrifying. I always knew that I could get hurt if I did, but I didn't realize it would feel like this.

Maybe that's the difference then. I've never used anyone.
I don't think?
How do you use other people?

[She's never used Jack, had she? She and her sisters had certainly been used by their mother.]

I had never met anyone else before him. Besides my sisters and mother at least.
I didn't know you could connect with others at all.

Edited 2023-10-02 03:17 (UTC)

I would lie to them and pretend that I liked them, so that they would give me what I needed.
So of course I assume people are doing the same thing to me. It's what makes sense.

The person that you met, did he help you leave them? Your siblings and your mother?

Oh. I guess it does makes sense you'd think like that. I was never taught how to pretend.

Sort of. My sisters and I were sent to kill him but he was faster than we anticipated. I was the only one left alive in the end.

My mother ... I suppose I was faster than she anticipated.

Good. Better that you had you carve your own way to freedom than have someone take the chance from you.

Do you think your siblings would have stopped you? Would you have fought them, too?

[ definitely not asking for a very specific canon problem of his own not tall! Totally coincidental that he also has six siblings who are likewise devoted to a crazy power hungry being! ]

Maybe. I think they would have seen it as weakness and weakness means death. They either may have killed me or I would have had to kill them.

[It's more than a little sobering to face the truth like this. She hadn't had time to really think of her sisters much before now.]

I do wish that the person who helped me could have helped them but I'm not sure they would have even accepted it.

It puts you in a rather impossible situation. I guess there are some blessings to having that choice taken from you.

... I suppose there are. Yet somehow it does make you feel guilty too. I've wondered sometimes if I did something differently I could have changed things.

It's a little useless to think over what you could have done though.

[Okay sure, time portals and all but Ashi doesn't know the details of how those work anymore than Jack does so.]

We can't change the past, no matter how much we might want to.

I understand that much. It's hard to be satisfied with that though.

I understand.

[ There's so much more he could say, but even anon like this he's too guarded. This is really the best he can come up with. ]

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