shellphones | Whale Man Tries to Turn Around And Walk Back Into the Rift

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Whale Man Tries to Turn Around And Walk Back Into the Rift

Type: Text
Sender ID: encoreinthedeep (Ulpianus)
To: Everyone
Subject: Return
Warnings: None

Requesting all available information on how to return to my own world.

[ He sends this message within ten seconds of receiving his shellphone. ]

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[ Good thing Ulpianus isn't his compatriot Gladiia, who would NOT have passed up the opportunity to comment on how chopping vegetables by hand is incredibly backwards and primitive and why haven't you invented Perfect-Vegetable-Chopper-9000-That-Also-Mints-Edible-Bitcoin-Or-Something.

He does, however, fail to identify the sounds. Is the man fighting something?.. ]

No correlation between time spent here and the rate of occurrence?

[ Internally, he briefly relaxes at the news that no time (if this man's words are to be believed) passes in the homeworld. Then he can still continue his mission once he returns.

... But the sound of a blade being wielded against both tissue and something blunt still concerns Ulpianus. ]

This conversation can wait until your fight is over. If you survive until then.

Edited 2026-01-07 14:45 (UTC)

[Kaveh was about to respond and then his brain made a record scratch.]

Fighting? I'm just making lunch...I can talk just fine.

[ ... This isn't the answer he expected. Is his lunch fighting back? ]

Your exertion was audible.

I'm just a little irritated at the situation. I promise the vegetables pose no threat to my safety.

[If it was a fight you'd hear a lot more explosions.]

[ So he's struggling so much with... vegetables? Plant tissue? ]

Arm yourself with a sharper knife.

Now, let us continue. Any correlation between time spent here and the occurrence of those rifts?

...We're not honing kitchen tools to be useable as weaponry, thank you.

[Bro what are you talking about he's just mad and taking it out on vegetables. But fine, he'll continue.]

There doesn't seem to be. Some people are only here for a few days or a month or two and then vanish, and not everyone who's been here for multiple years have had experiences returning. Some people I don't think have ever been returned home since they arrived.

[Which...might be because Cid is dead but Kaveh tries not to think about that.]

[ Why AREN'T you honing kitchen tools to be useable as weaponry. ]

Hmm.

Do any physical or mental changes carry over between the worlds?

[ If he loses all memories upon returning to his world, whatever he learns or figures out here will be lost. Maybe there is some other way to transfer potential knowledge. ]

No. My tattoos and any scarring I gained here vanished. Even my hair went back to the length it had been at home.

[Kaveh pauses, and makes a thoughtful sound.] The hair didn't grow back out, but the tattoos and the wedding ring reappeared upon my return here. I'm not sure if there's any conclusion to be made from that--there may not be any useful correlation at all, and it's obviously a little difficult to test.

[ So your items disappear, your memories disappear, any other changes disappear. ]

Then presence here is a waste of time.

If you want to take the nihilistic view of it, sure. That's not a particularly useful way to view the situation, however--you'll need to have some presence if you want to search for a way back on your own terms.

[Which--if this man decides he'd rather just waste away on turtle time and not do fuckall until he falls ass first through a rift home, that's his perogative and Kaveh won't stop him. But he doesn't get the sense that's how Ulpianus sees it.]

The only thing worth doing.

[ Look he's just annoyed that he gains NOTHING from being here other than being here. What are you, some kind of hippie that enjoys the moment instead of devoting your whole existence to a goal? ]

[He happens to think you can do both, you autistic tuna.]

...You know what, I'm not going to have a philosophical debate about this today. You'll have to come by the cafe later if that's what you want.

[Kaveh blows out an irritated huff of air, and then.]

Look into contacting Emet-Selch or Cid Telamon. They're both involved heavily in researching and looking for the rifts, and in charge of crews of people. There's never much to go on, but if leads appear, one of them is going to be the first to get involved.

[Kaveh is going to leave out the part that Cid is so involved because he doesn't want to return--it's not his place to talk about that.]

[ He's an autistic WHALE, thank u, he has... probably has nipples. Don't ask me why male humanoid whales would have nipples this is Arknights we just do whatever's most fun here. ]

I will.

[ He will... what? Come by for a debate? Contact Emet-Selch and Cid? He doesn't clarify.

But he does know some very basic landwalker courtesy. ]

Thank you.

Eh, no need to thank me. We're all stuck in this mess together--sharing what we do know is natural.

[Kaveh shrugs a bit, but then belatedly--]

Oh. I didn't catch your name--I'm Kaveh. I work with Cid, among other things.

Call me a Hunter.

[ ... the man works with this Cid? That's to his advantage. The sooner they meet, the better... ah, and there is another matter to address. ]

I have two more questions. What happens if one dies here, and who is the strongest fighter in this world?

Hunter, then.

[Kaveh...pauses. This is a tricky question.]

I'm not sure, as to the first one. I tend to try and avoid brushes with death, I have too much work to do to go and die.

[He hums, thinking about the second question.] It's hard to say exactly--people aren't usually interested in testing their strength on each other unless necessary. But it's probably Emet-Selch. [...] If you're looking to test your strength, he's unlikely to want to.

[ So... it still comes down to those two names. ]

I will need to test his strength.

[ As threatening as he makes it sound, it's really just about finding someone who can reliably kill the Seaborn Ulpianus might turn into if things somehow go wrong. ]

But that can wait. Let your Cid know that I want to speak with him.

...Yeah, that's a conversation you need to have with him, good luck with that.

[SORRY, EMET-SELCH, THIS ONE'S A YOU PROBLEM AND KAVEH AIN'T TOUCHING IT.]

I will, but he'll probably reach out to you directly instead of through me.

You harbor doubts about Emet-Selch agreeing.

[ Look he's got that "questions worded as statements" thing you like, Kaveh. ]

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Whale Man Tries to Turn Around And Walk Back Into the Rift

edit: couldn't resist the temptation in the end

lmaoooo

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