shellphones | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Type: Video
Sender ID: paradisaea (Kaveh)
To: so, so public
Subject: important question!!!
Warnings: Alcoholism and the chaos gays probably in the comments somewhere.

[Kaveh is laying at on a couch in his home, sprawled bonelessly across it, and he's clearly flushed. Given he's staring despondently up at the ceiling and not directly at the camera, this is not because he's having a good time.]

Hey...how are you s'posed to convince people y'care about them? [Kaveh laughs a bit, bitterly.] I'm clearly doing it wrong.

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[He's quiet for a moment, the mask of the polite smile finally slipping as Heizou watches Kaveh over the feed. Then eventually--]

Why is it so important to you?

Why wouldn't it be? Loneliness is...deadly.

[Kaveh doesn't look up from the couch.]

Why would I ever want to let someone else suffer through that?

[He lets out a soft sigh.]

And what makes you so sure that I'm lonely?

I've seen that look in your eyes in the mirror, before. I know damn well what it means.

[That almost makes Heizou want to laugh. Not because it's funny.]

Can it really be called loneliness if it's just what I'm used to?

Yes. [Kaveh sighs.] It never matters how used to it you get. That emptiness is always still there.

Even standing in the middle of a crowd that praises all you've done...all you'll remember is that the month before they called you a lunatic for it.

Oh? Then what would you say is the cure for this loneliness? What's filled that emptiness for you, in your experience? Is genuine kindness from another all it really takes?

It's a start. It doesn't fix it overnight. But if you let it...if you let it, drop by drop the well fills. You probably...won't even notice it happening. I'm not sure I'd have...

[...]

There are people who would help you, and you'd never notice they've held out their hand because you convinced yourself you didn't deserve it.

It's not a matter of whether or not I think I deserve it...

[Well, it is a little, but that's a deeper rooted issue that Heizou is not examining right now.]

Most people don't just wanna come be my friend, Kaveh. They only want something that I can provide. I'm tolerated because I'm good at what I do. I have no illusions about that. So to have someone ask nothing of me is... disorienting.

Is that still true? Or is it true because you don't allow anyone to try?

[kaveh is too drunk to not choose violence.]

It's proven otherwise so rarely that yes, I do think it's still true. And if I'm causing trouble or distress just by existing, then doesn't it make sense for me to step away?

Hah. You don't, though. And if that were the case Cyno would live a much more isolated life, but he's the most warm-hearted person I know...

[...He can't believe he's trying to think of a pun. Cyno, he misses you so much. :(]

I think once you've decided it's true someone's uncomfortable with you, you don't ever let them prove otherwise.

[He doesn't know a Cyno. So that comparison kind of just goes right past him.]

If I have the evidence I need to interpret that way, then what point is there in dragging things out unnecessarily?

[Heizou huffs out a little sigh and wipes a hand down his face.]

At any rate, the problem is obviously not with you. You shouldn't feel bad about it.

What evidence?

I'm speaking more generally, Master Architect.

Does dodging questions usually help your case, Detective?

That would depend on what questions need dodging.

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