shellphones | [VOICE] | un: hammertime

Type: Voice with Screencaps!
Sender ID: hammertime
To: Public
Subject: Shellphone Tech Support
Warnings: Stupidity

Okay, I admit I'm not the best when it comes to technology but I'm seriously running out of patience here! All I want to do is text someone! I was able to text them before but then I changed their name in my phone and now I can't AND IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I CAN'T GET NEAR CERTAIN PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THESE BRANDS BUT IF I CAN'T TEXT SOMEONE NOW EXPLODING PRISONS ARE GONNA BE THE LEAST OF THEIR WORRIES.

[Darin takes a deep, steadying breath. Normally, the person he would go to for tech support is Zelda. A person he cannot presently go anywhere near. So now he's the network's problem.]

Look. Okay. I just. I need someone to look at my contacts and tell me if I screwed something up. Because I don't know what I did. I just changed one contact. I change contact names all the time! All the time!

LOOK. HERE.

CAN ANYONE SEE THE PROBLEM BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO TEXT SOMEONE AND EVERY TEXT I [Sounds of fingers furiously tapping] TRY [More tapping] I GET [TAPPING]

... ... ...

"MESSAGE CANNOT BE DELIVERED" MY BRIGHT, BLUE ASS!!! WHO THE HELL MADE THESE PIECES OF—

[Darin is drowned out by the sound of wind because he did, in fact, throw his phone.]

[He will retrieve it shortly once it lands.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He makes a fluttering gesture with his hands.]

It didn't translate! I see it now -

[We're sorry, Darin, your puns are worthless here.]

- Let's... Let's just move on. For both our sakes.

See, this is why I try to be a smartass.

Everyone understands sarcasm.

What?

People can understand sarcasm? Why wasn't I told?

[Shut your bird mouth, Garrus, put your sarcastic stick away.]

See, this is why it took me so long to admit you're my best friend you jackass. You're completely insufferable.

[Despite the forced edge in his voice, he can't hide the smile.]

So, I'm surprised you don't have an "I told you so" speech prepared in regards to me n'Zelda.

I keep hearing that. And yet, people keep hanging around. One of them even calls me her boyfriend.

[Yeah, the jackassery isn't going away any time soon.]

I did, actually. But then you went and blasted your status all over the network. I'm being charitable in my old age.

You sure? Consider this your one and only chance! I'm opening myself up to your smarmy crap here. Pretty sure I deserve to have the piss taken out of me after the crap I pulled.

[Hold up, he's sitting up straighter for this.]

It's about damn time. I told you to go for it, but then you said, "don't tell me what to do, Garrus" [Did he just do air quotes with one finger.] and was more of a blockhead than the entire Citadel Council!

[And they denied the REAPERS, Darin.]

I've seen tectonic plates move faster than you. And what happened? Did she reject you? No, she smacked some sense into you and now you've got a girlfriend.

[His regular voice may be steady and annoyed, but the echo, the reverb under the words, is basically just laughing.]

So, the next time your very charming and very wise in the ways of romance friend tells you "date the girl", what are you going to do?

"Yes, Garrus, I will date the girl who clearly likes me too."

[Darin snorts.]

Alright, alright!

It's kinda hard to refute that! But I didn't know she liked me that much!

After all, she said she'd fallen in love with me. I can't really turn her down after that. What kind of man would I be?

An idiot. That's what you'd be.

[Look, you wanted his opinion, bro. There it is.]

Then it's a good thing that I told her that I loved her too.

She's the one who finally got through to me. Who got me to break out of that place.

I'm done being whatever people tell me to be. I finally have the courage to be what I want to be.

Well, damn. When's the wedding?

That's the next step for your people, right?

E-Easy, Garrus...! We're not there yet. I don't know if we'll ever even get there.

She's got her kingdom, after all. And...I don't know if I can go to Hyrule with her. Though, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested.

[Which means, he's abandoning his own world. Even with the threat of Dromas. Someone only he probably has the ability to stop.]

Why not? Make the most of while you're here!

[Darin you never should have let him go for it. He's off the leash now.]

Because I know Zelda.

Asking her something like that...she'd never accept it. And I'm not saying it's because I'm me.

...It's because she's her. Committing to a life together when either one of us can be ripped away at any moment is...it's cruel. And I don't doubt that the main reason she'd refuse is out of concern for me.

That's why I'm looking into helping Cid and his crew. He wants to find a way to control the rifts so that doesn't happen. So people don't need to be needlessly torn away from one another.

Considering what I know about you and Shepard...it's a nice dream to have, isn't it?

[That's what you get for being a smartass, Garrus, good job.]

[Getting the conversation turned on him at the end there, that smarts. And he turns his head away, mandible clamped tight against his jaw. It's cruel. Yeah, it sure is. He brought this on himself, but that doesn't mean it stings to think about.]

Right. Definitely a dream.

[SO ANYWAY -]

Want me to look at your phone problem?

[VOICE] | un: hammertime

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