EGGSPOSURE THERAPY ACT I | [VIDEO]

[reneggadetinkerer]

Type: VIDEO
Sender ID: reneggadetinkerer (Dr. Ivo Robotnik)
To: Public
Subject: AMA
Warnings: Megalomania

[The feed begins with Eggman sitting at what appears to be a console facing the camera. He's routed his shellphone camera into one of his Buzzbomber Radniks, giving a much more dynamic view of his quickly expanding warehouse and base of operations. The good doctor has wasted no time and appears to be well in production of not just Radniks, but other experiments and tools using the strange magic and technology found on this world. Anyone who knows him well may be alarmed. But if you don't, he just looks industrious.]

[Once the feed starts, he stands and begins to dramatically move about the room, arms clasped behind his back.]

Good day my fellow Riftfarers!

I have been here for several months now and it has come to my attention that several denizens of my world have made it their mission to inform the public of my er...proclivities. As such, I have thought long and hard about what this means and how to move forward.

[As he speaks, he gesticulates with one arm in sweeping, grand gestures.]

As such, I have decided that it is important, in the spirit of transparency that I make my past known. Yes, it is true that I, the Great Dr. Ivo Robotnik, have sought to conquer my world more than a few number of times. However, I have agreed to be on my...best behavior while I remain a tenant of this washed out world and such, I would like to extend the proverbial olive branch. You see, some Hedgehogs who shall remain nameless unless their name is Sonic, seem to believe I have the propensity for good.

Now, in the spirit of this newfound...charitability I wish to point out that any Radniks I have sold to you or anyone else are not dangerous. This has been verified by trusted sources but if you would like to investigate for yourselves? Well, I have nothing to hide.

Which brings me nicely to the reason for this broadcast!

[Eggman snaps, and a graphic appears on the screen.]



If transparency is the name of the game, I thought it would be a fun little exercise in trust! All questions are valid though I will get some of the easier ones out of the way first.

[Ahem.]

My name is Dr. Ivo Robotnik, but I have allowed others to call me Eggman. It was an insulting moniker I have chosen to adopt, thus robbing it of its power over me. As for my general interests? Robotics, mad science, engineering, aeronautics, and theme parks.

The floor is yours and I eagerly await your questions.

Comments

[stultumi]

You know that's not what I asked you, Big Guy.

Why'd they call you that?

[reneggadetinkerer]

... ... ...

[Eggman shoos the Buzzbomber holding the camera away so that it pants back.]

[And just kinda...gestures. At all of him.]

[Not that he's ashamed, mind you. Eggman might not have super speed, but he's not exactly a mass of dough either. He's just differently-shaped.]

I imagine it has something to do with my physique. Those of lesser intelligence tend to grasp for the low-hanging fruit, after all.

[stultumi]

( ....oh.

oh.

momo's not a fan. )

That's messed up.

Put the next person who calls you that on a giant skillet. Make omurice outta them.

[reneggadetinkerer]

Hohoho! A giant skillet, you say!

I like the way you think! In fact, I can create a mobile tank with a rather powerful attachment on the front! Imagine, if you will, a cow-catcher that folds out into a skillet-like armament!

I'll call it the Egg Beater! Gahahahaha! I must admit, that's a clever idea, and very on brand!

'Stultumi' was it? Perhaps I'll give you an honorary test drive! Got any opponents you want to see flattened?

video;

[stultumi]

( oh this guy is hilarious. there's definitely something wrong with him.

momo then clicks on her video feed, revealing the grinning face of a trendy and stylish teenager. )

My name's Momo. Because I'm just peachy.

( she says to the egg-man with a victory sign.

then she makes a quick chop through the air with her hand. )

Got plenty of enemies too! Would love to see them squashed into pancakes, but—

( normally she wouldn't be so eager to be up front about this, but momo is absolutely positive that this guy would believe her. he just looks like the type.

he's calling himself a mad scientist, after all. )

They're frickin' aliens. Not really sure you could just squish 'em.

[reneggadetinkerer]

[Oh, Momo is right on the money. Eggman combs his fingers through his bushy 'stache in thought.]

Aliens, eh? Well now, that's certainly a predicament! Tell me, what sort of xenospecies are you dealing with here? Advanced civilization? Body snatcher? Malicious entity that defies logic and reason?

I'll thank you not to underestimate my prowess at constructing weapons. While I may not have succeeded, I've come rather close to taking over my world! Why, I almost wiped out all life with a metal zombie virus!

[stultumi]

Almost is still almost.

( just saying, old man. not impressive if you don't get the job done. )

It's hard to tell. The worst ones have shown up in these like exosuits. Big visors, heavy armour. You gotta crack 'em open like crab shells to see the alien inside. Some kind of look like us? Others don't at all.

And a lot of them are fast too. Crazy fast.

( okarun is the only one who can keep up with the fast ones. and even then, he's still only just barely got a handle on his power and speed. not to mention the strain on his human body to use it. )

We've only been able to push them back as a group.

[reneggadetinkerer]

Aha, so speed is the name of the game? Well, fortunate for you that I, Dr. Eggman, happen to be well-versed in dealing with speed. My nemesis is a speedy blue hedgehog by the name of Sonic. I've spent years battling him.

I daresay there isn't anyone out there more acquainted with combating speedy foes.

As for the exosuit you mentioned...this is rather fascinating. Tell me, are they organic? Mechanical? Bio-mechanical? Symbiotic? Believe it or not, there's quite the difference.

1/3

[stultumi]

( record scratch noise. )

. . .A what? A blue hedgehog?

2/3

[stultumi]

( yeah, okay. why not the fuck not?

weird's the name of the game apparently. )

3/3

[stultumi]

( then a realisation hits her like a punch to the chest. her eyes go comically wide and she gestures wildly towards her screen. )

—Is that what the blue corpse was in your AMA image?

[reneggadetinkerer]

Aha! Yes! So you noticed! A little bit of generative imagery on my part! Something from my vision board!

Yes, that is the ragdolled body of one Sonic the Hedgehog, fastest thing alive and my mortal nemesis who unfortunately has also washed up here.

We play board games.

Occasionally.

[stultumi]

( the bad part about being on video is that she can't disguise the fact that she laughed and laughed a little too hard at that. )

Alright, respect.

( because she agrees with demented vision boards. )

Can I see the front of the hedgehog?

1/3

[reneggadetinkerer]

Hm...let's see here. I believe I can whip something up. I've been meaning to try this new image prompt generator I built out of boredom...

Let's see here...

'Stupid...'

'Looking...'

'Blue...'

'Hedgehog...'

'Dumb Expression...'

Aaaand generate.

2/3

[reneggadetinkerer]

3/3

[reneggadetinkerer]

Well, would you look at that!

A perfect likeness to the rodent!

[stultumi]

( this is so fucking stupid, small, and petty.

momo loves every second of it. this is the exact type of bitch shit she's into.

she laughs again, much harder, at the moronic image that pops up from his generator. her hands quickly lift up to her mouth as if to try to muffle the sound. )

Hahahaha! Oh no, he's ugly!

1/4

[reneggadetinkerer]

Gahahahahahahaha!! You're absolutely right! He's as stupid as he is hideous!

['Ugly...Sonic...']

[Generate~!]

2/4

[reneggadetinkerer]

3/4

[reneggadetinkerer]

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

4/4

[reneggadetinkerer]

DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE!!!!!

[stultumi]

Whoa! Too scary, put it back!

( they were just making jokes! no need for the horror show! )

[reneggadetinkerer]

It appears that I still have some bugs to work out...

But ehh...you get the gist...Momo, was it?

[stultumi]

Yeah, you've got beef with a "hedgehog".

( said with air quotes. that thing doesn't look like any hedgehog she's ever seen before. it's hard to say what would be weirder though. for eggman to be beefing with an actual hedgehog or this weird approximation.

also she definitely didn't mishear when he said they played board games together. )

A fast hedgehog.

( then the all important question— )

How fast is he?

[reneggadetinkerer]

That depends on any given situation as the blue buffoon seems to be capable of loosing the throttle at the most inopportune times.

This also depends on whether or not he's achieved his 'Super' form but he regularly breaks the sound barrier with ease.

I believe I've clocked him at least at 1234.37 kilometers per hour...

Or 767 miles per hour if you're an imbecile.

[Especially if you name your child after a completely ridiculous unit of measurement MR. AND MRS. PROWER.]

[YOU'RE FOXES WHY ARE YOU MEASURING THINGS IN FEET, IT WOULD HAVE MADE AS MUCH SENSE TO NAME YOUR TWO-TAILED BRAT 'PAW PATROL.']