shellphones | Bot Humbug!

Type: VIDEO
Sender ID: reneggadetinkerer | Dr. Eggman
To: Public
Subject: What's there to be cheerful about anyway?!
Warnings: Grincheyness

[It's that wonderful, magical, beautiful time of year, isn't it? There's wonder and kinship and love in the air. The spirit of giving is abundant. It's truly the most wonderful time of the year, isn't it?]

[And no holiday season would be complete without some old person very loudly and publicly complaining about it.]

[Eggman appears to be sequestered away...somewhere. Where it is, it's dark and the only lights are from screens he's cobbled together and there's a perpetual sound of grinding metal somewhere in the background.]

[He looks...annoyed.]

From whatever empirical evidence I can gather, this time of year is supposed to be heartwarming. I'd like anyone out there to properly explain, within provable parameters, preferably with citations and sources to back your theory up, how that's even remotely possible.

[He takes a long, pointed sip of coffee from a new mug that he's very deliberately pointing towards the camera.]

And yes, I said "theory." I won't even entertain the notion of a hypothesis because I refuse to believe that any insight any one of you festive fools can conjure has the potential to be tested in any way that matters.

And before any one of you decides to present some sort of faith-based angle for this disgusting display of mirthful misery, I am going to assert that you stow it.

I'm eggnostic for a reason.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Because it's annoying and I don't care about anyone.

Honestly, the expectation that I should use my genius and resources to the benefit and gain of others is simply entitled.

Not even one person? What about your family?

[Though. Perhaps Eggman doesn't have the best relationship with his family, either. Chopper could relate to that, after having been shunned by his reindeer family after eating the Devil Fruit.]

Mm, maybe not entitled, but it would be nice if you could help out? I guess Nami would say you could try making something that would benefit people while selling it to make money?

[Even after....everything with Arlong, she was still kind of focused on their money situation.]

I have no family and I prefer to keep it as such.

[Eggman sighs and props his head up with his hand.]

I tried to be the entrepreneur so that people would get off my shell but I got bored. The theatrics were there but it's no fun unless someone is suffering. And sadly, I'm a bit too far away from Late Stage Capitalism to elicit the requisite amount of pain.

I guess that's up to you....even if it's kind of sad.

[He can't force anything. Though, he figures, making friends is kind of inevitable over time. Even if people have their own different dynamics together and it might not be a friendship he necessarily understands.]

But why did you get bored? Just because nobody was hurt?

[....Yeah. He can't really agree with that, as a doctor, and all.]

Why on earth is that sad? Family is a disappointment. Not burdening myself with that is the most freeing experience imaginable. I suggest you try it!

As for why I abandoned my business ventures, they mostly served their purpose. I was able to fund my research and there was little more to gain. Suffering is just the whipped cream on top of the decadent slice of pie.

Monetary gain is not something that compels me. Not unless I can open a consultation firm around the subjugation of worlds. Then we'd be talking!

I know my reindeer family shunned me after I ate the fruit, but. My crew, Doctorine, they're basically like my family now. It doesn't have to be biological.

[Chopper knows his situation is kind of unique, though. Still, he listens, his ears shifting with his mood.]

What else would you be doing then? If you're not making things to help people or for money. Just....making stuff for fun? Fixing things?

You were shunned for eating fruit? I know that the concept of 'family' is objectively terrible but even that seems unreasonable.

...I suppose it depends on my mood. I'll play games when I'm of a mind to. Other than that my hobbies mostly consist of scheming, plotting, conniving, with a dollop of gaslighting and subterfuge.

This world is lacking in entertainment, unfortunately.

The fruit changed me. How I look. How smart I am. Everything. So, they didn't know what to do about that, I guess. So....I know what it's like. To not really have family. Not anymore.

[Chopper admits, his ears lowering as his gaze does.]

Well, maybe focus on that? What entertainment would you like to have here? What can you make happen to bring that?

A fruit changed you and gave you your intellect.

[Eggman is...intrigued. He is! A fruit with that kind of power is certainly compelling.]

[But Chopper trying to empathize with him gives him pause.]

Do you? I'm not entirely sure that you do. Not unless your cloven hoofed herd had the wherewithal to compare you to your lessers.

I sincerely doubt "Reality Television" will take off in this environment. The people here aren't nearly cutthroat enough.

Yup. Different Devil Fruits give different abilities. Mine made me more human. So I didn't really fit in with the other reindeer after that.

[Not so much about comparing him to his lessers as he just...looked different. Acted differently after eating the fruit. Still, he tilts his head, ears shifting and raising a little.]

Reality television?

It's like a game show. People are placed in a scenario where they're forced to work together or sabotage one another. I treat is as a psychological case study.

"How many narcissists does it take to implode a functioning societal framework?"

So far, I've determined that all it takes is two, so long as they are diametrically opposed. If aligned, they'll succeed up to a point.

Tell me more of these Devil Fruits.

Oh. I'm sure it'd be better to work together. But I don't think I've seen these reality show things. Um, what did you want to know about the Devil Fruits?

How do they work? What sort of powers do they possess and convey? How are they grown and harvested? Why such a sinister and appealing name? It's as if they invoke temptation by design!

Well, the fruits have different abilities. Mine made me more human. Luffy's made his body like rubber, for example. And his brother, Ace, can create and control fire. Others I've heard of they can mimic people, like shapeshifting, or they can separate parts of their body? Or slow you down. It depends on which of the fruit you eat, I guess. They're pretty rare, so they're really valuable.

[He's....not sure if it is a good thing that the other is taking such an interest. But at least there aren't any Devil Fruits here. So it's probably fine?]

Bot Humbug! | VIDEO

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