Bot Humbug! | VIDEO

[reneggadetinkerer]

Type: VIDEO
Sender ID: reneggadetinkerer | Dr. Eggman
To: Public
Subject: What's there to be cheerful about anyway?!
Warnings: Grincheyness

[It's that wonderful, magical, beautiful time of year, isn't it? There's wonder and kinship and love in the air. The spirit of giving is abundant. It's truly the most wonderful time of the year, isn't it?]

[And no holiday season would be complete without some old person very loudly and publicly complaining about it.]

[Eggman appears to be sequestered away...somewhere. Where it is, it's dark and the only lights are from screens he's cobbled together and there's a perpetual sound of grinding metal somewhere in the background.]

[He looks...annoyed.]

From whatever empirical evidence I can gather, this time of year is supposed to be heartwarming. I'd like anyone out there to properly explain, within provable parameters, preferably with citations and sources to back your theory up, how that's even remotely possible.

[He takes a long, pointed sip of coffee from a new mug that he's very deliberately pointing towards the camera.]

And yes, I said "theory." I won't even entertain the notion of a hypothesis because I refuse to believe that any insight any one of you festive fools can conjure has the potential to be tested in any way that matters.

And before any one of you decides to present some sort of faith-based angle for this disgusting display of mirthful misery, I am going to assert that you stow it.

I'm eggnostic for a reason.

Comments

text; un: weisshappened

[weisshappened]

You sure that's not vinegar you're drinking out of that mug?

[VIDEO]

[reneggadetinkerer]

Quite sure. It's a rather smooth, yet potent blend. This world might be backwards and useless but they at least have access to decent beans.

[weisshappened]

[Oh. Oh no, it's another Coffee Person.]

I'm never going to understand how different roast beans can taste different from each other. It's all the same thing.

[reneggadetinkerer]

Every time you open your mouth, you should how ignorant you really are.

I'll have you know that there a plenty of factors that result in the differences between coffee beans.

[weisshappened]

You're starting to remind me of someone.

And I'm not saying that as any kind of compliment.

[reneggadetinkerer]

If you're here to annoy me rather than answer the question, you've accomplished your task.

[weisshappened]

Oh, I don't have one. We don't have this whole thing where I'm from.

You just drink, maybe dance, and say "great that we're not dead".

[reneggadetinkerer]

Exactly. Then I fail to see why this particular season is so special. Everyone describes it as a time for love and togetherness.

I posit that it's hypothermia. Nothing a hot beverage can't deal with.

un: reindered

[reindered]

What's so bad about showing people you care about them by giving each other presents? Maybe if you weren't so grumpy, people would want to be your friend and give you presents, too. Then you wouldn't hate it so much.

[So claims the little reindeer who had never heard of this Christmas thing before coming here. This time of year is clearly more important for his birthday, anyway!]

[reneggadetinkerer]

Because it's annoying and I don't care about anyone.

Honestly, the expectation that I should use my genius and resources to the benefit and gain of others is simply entitled.

[reindered]

Not even one person? What about your family?

[Though. Perhaps Eggman doesn't have the best relationship with his family, either. Chopper could relate to that, after having been shunned by his reindeer family after eating the Devil Fruit.]

Mm, maybe not entitled, but it would be nice if you could help out? I guess Nami would say you could try making something that would benefit people while selling it to make money?

[Even after....everything with Arlong, she was still kind of focused on their money situation.]

[reneggadetinkerer]

I have no family and I prefer to keep it as such.

[Eggman sighs and props his head up with his hand.]

I tried to be the entrepreneur so that people would get off my shell but I got bored. The theatrics were there but it's no fun unless someone is suffering. And sadly, I'm a bit too far away from Late Stage Capitalism to elicit the requisite amount of pain.

[reindered]

I guess that's up to you....even if it's kind of sad.

[He can't force anything. Though, he figures, making friends is kind of inevitable over time. Even if people have their own different dynamics together and it might not be a friendship he necessarily understands.]

But why did you get bored? Just because nobody was hurt?

[....Yeah. He can't really agree with that, as a doctor, and all.]

[reneggadetinkerer]

Why on earth is that sad? Family is a disappointment. Not burdening myself with that is the most freeing experience imaginable. I suggest you try it!

As for why I abandoned my business ventures, they mostly served their purpose. I was able to fund my research and there was little more to gain. Suffering is just the whipped cream on top of the decadent slice of pie.

Monetary gain is not something that compels me. Not unless I can open a consultation firm around the subjugation of worlds. Then we'd be talking!

[reindered]

I know my reindeer family shunned me after I ate the fruit, but. My crew, Doctorine, they're basically like my family now. It doesn't have to be biological.

[Chopper knows his situation is kind of unique, though. Still, he listens, his ears shifting with his mood.]

What else would you be doing then? If you're not making things to help people or for money. Just....making stuff for fun? Fixing things?

[reneggadetinkerer]

You were shunned for eating fruit? I know that the concept of 'family' is objectively terrible but even that seems unreasonable.

...I suppose it depends on my mood. I'll play games when I'm of a mind to. Other than that my hobbies mostly consist of scheming, plotting, conniving, with a dollop of gaslighting and subterfuge.

This world is lacking in entertainment, unfortunately.

[reindered]

The fruit changed me. How I look. How smart I am. Everything. So, they didn't know what to do about that, I guess. So....I know what it's like. To not really have family. Not anymore.

[Chopper admits, his ears lowering as his gaze does.]

Well, maybe focus on that? What entertainment would you like to have here? What can you make happen to bring that?

[reneggadetinkerer]

A fruit changed you and gave you your intellect.

[Eggman is...intrigued. He is! A fruit with that kind of power is certainly compelling.]

[But Chopper trying to empathize with him gives him pause.]

Do you? I'm not entirely sure that you do. Not unless your cloven hoofed herd had the wherewithal to compare you to your lessers.

I sincerely doubt "Reality Television" will take off in this environment. The people here aren't nearly cutthroat enough.

[reindered]

Yup. Different Devil Fruits give different abilities. Mine made me more human. So I didn't really fit in with the other reindeer after that.

[Not so much about comparing him to his lessers as he just...looked different. Acted differently after eating the fruit. Still, he tilts his head, ears shifting and raising a little.]

Reality television?

[reneggadetinkerer]

It's like a game show. People are placed in a scenario where they're forced to work together or sabotage one another. I treat is as a psychological case study.

"How many narcissists does it take to implode a functioning societal framework?"

So far, I've determined that all it takes is two, so long as they are diametrically opposed. If aligned, they'll succeed up to a point.

Tell me more of these Devil Fruits.

[reindered]

Oh. I'm sure it'd be better to work together. But I don't think I've seen these reality show things. Um, what did you want to know about the Devil Fruits?

[reneggadetinkerer]

How do they work? What sort of powers do they possess and convey? How are they grown and harvested? Why such a sinister and appealing name? It's as if they invoke temptation by design!

video - un;perfpilot

[sos_pilot]

One, you should lose speaking privileges for that last line. Forever.

Two, the holiday involves friends and family, so if you've got either, maybe I can figure out a explanation for you.

Three, that last line should allow me to poke you in the eyes for five minutes straight.

[VIDEO]

[reneggadetinkerer]

Excuse you, but I won't have you mocking my faith so openly!

And to counter your second point, I have no family nor desire for friends. That Black Quilled Hedgehog is the closest thing I have to family, so you can imagine why I have little care for such things.

[sos_pilot]

Huh? Wait, wait, wait a minute... you and Shadow are related?

[ Human + ??? = Hedgehog?! She looks so confused as she tries to figure that out. ]

[reneggadetinkerer]

Tangentially. He was created by my Grandfather, Gerald Robotnik. He'd an especially close relationship with my dearly departed cousin, Maria.

So yes, in a sense, we're family.

[sos_pilot]

... And he wants you dead. Oof.

[ Safe to assume that's not exactly a secret and she can say it openly. ]

[reneggadetinkerer]

I assure you, the feeling is mutual.

Now, if you're positing that I dislike this season because I have no one to spend it with, I believe you've just proven why that's not the case.

[sos_pilot]

It is basically what the holidays are really about. Cherishing the people who want to be with you and who have stuck with you no matter what, and showing them appreciation for all they've done.

There's even a famous story about a guy who was a jerk at this time of year who got haunted by spirits into being a better dude.

[reneggadetinkerer]

If a man can change his convictions because he got cajoled into it by a meager haunting, his convictions were not as strong as he believed them to be. Ghosts aren't real.

I'll have you know that the only beings I can stand to be around are those I've created myself. And sadly, neither Metal nor Orbot or Cubot are here. If they were, I'd be making Orbot and Cubot do menial tasks for my amusement and I'd be working on powering up Metal with some of this world's native magic so that I could destroy Sonic.

[So maybe he's a bit lonely.]

[A bit.]

not here

[fractales]

[Oh, he noticed the mug being used; he had been careful in picking it out with what he had picked up spending time around Eggman. Something to go with the coffee blend he'd been even more careful in choosing.

Honestly, glad to know it was getting used—even if only the once.

The video itself... not a surprise, but still. He was glad for the pointed detail.]

video | un: skypatrol

[playertwotailed]

Huh. The gift I gave you two years ago didn't convince you, huh?

That's a shame. Guess I should just return this one, then... [He looks off-camera at the mystery gift, being very deliberate in not showing anything.]

[reneggadetinkerer]

Ooooh no. No, if you're trying to goad me into giving you another coupon, I'm afraid that I've learned my lesson on that matter! I sincerely doubt there's anything you can offer me that would encourage me to reciprocate.

[playertwotailed]

That's okay! I wasn't planning on starting a coupon collection or anything. [And he might not actually want it, assuming Eggman had time to plan out the fine print.]

Besides, the point of giving gifts isn't about what you'll get in return. It's about bringing a little joy to someone else's holiday! It's heartwarming because we make it heartwarming — or, well, we try to, anyway.

[Results may vary for old misers like the doctor.]

[reneggadetinkerer]

And yet, the societal obligation of returning the sentiment is a source of anxiety! If you ask me, giving someone a gift is like saddling them with a burden!

I still fail to see the appeal. I'm more interested in ruining a heartwarming moment than contributing to it.

[playertwotailed]

Hold on a sec. If giving gifts makes people anxious, and you want to spoil people's good moods...

Following that logic, shouldn't you be giving people a lot more gifts?

[reneggadetinkerer]

Because the only entertaining thing about an anxiety attack is the attacking part!

If I wanted to give you all mild discomfort, I'd invent flea nanobot and turn them loose on you all.

Besides, even if I were so inclined to pursue that track, I'd have to spend time thinking of thoughtful gifts. It's a proven phenomenon that the thoughtfulness of the gift is directly correlated to the amount of anxiety it produces!

And I don't know about you, but thinking about it is making the eggnog rise up in my gullet.