(no subject)

[empyrean_mirror]

Type: Video
Sender ID: paradisaea (Kaveh)
To: so, so public
Subject: important question!!!
Warnings: Alcoholism and the chaos gays probably in the comments somewhere.

[Kaveh is laying at on a couch in his home, sprawled bonelessly across it, and he's clearly flushed. Given he's staring despondently up at the ceiling and not directly at the camera, this is not because he's having a good time.]

Hey...how are you s'posed to convince people y'care about them? [Kaveh laughs a bit, bitterly.] I'm clearly doing it wrong.

Comments

video | un: book2thehead

[book2thehead]

[Heizou thought about responding to this in text. He debated it for several minutes, tapping a finger to the side of his phone...

Then ultimately decided to go with video. He even puts on a smile, like nothing is wrong, like he is not one of the people Kaveh is talking about.]

Man alive, it's been a while since I've seen you like this. And for once not over Alhaitham!

video | un: paradisaea

[empyrean_mirror]

Alhaitham never doubted what I told him for even a single second.

[Yeah Heizou's getting the bombastic side-eye. Kaveh is not drunk enough to forget, sir.]

[book2thehead]

I believe a younger version of yourself might have trouble believing that~

[empyrean_mirror]

Pah. No, him believing me wasn't the issue. Whether or not I deserved to be allowed to say it...

[Kaveh sighs, and drapes an arm over his eyes.]

Oh, whatever. I get it, I'm clearly the problem.

[book2thehead]

I'm pretty sure no one has ever thought that about you. You're a caring individual. That much is as plain as the nose on your face.

[empyrean_mirror]

And yet, Alhaitham is the only person who believes I care about him.

[Heizou, you did this. You caused this. This is on you.]

In the face of overwhelming evidence, I'm not too proud to admit I'm clearly doing something wrong.

[book2thehead]

[Oh, he knows. He may have been drunk that night, but he remembers what happened.]

And what "overwhelming evidence" do you have, Master Architect?

[empyrean_mirror]

You. Sherlock. Azul. I'm not sure Ranma ever believed me either. My mother...

[Oh we are in DANGER levels of drunk.]

...No, I suppose she believed me just fine. It just wasn't enough.

[book2thehead]

[Heizou's head tilts curiously. Sherlock, Ranma, and Azul? He's not sure who Azul is, but...]

Your mother aside, I'm sure there's another common thread between us all than simply being acquainted with you.

[empyrean_mirror]

Don't get it mistaken, Heizou. I know very well I am not what harmed you.

[Kaveh sighs.] But if none of you, none of you can ever accept my care as genuine, then I am doing something wrong. And that can do just as much harm...

[He has surprisingly sound logic for a drunk man.]

[book2thehead]

[He's quiet for a moment, the mask of the polite smile finally slipping as Heizou watches Kaveh over the feed. Then eventually--]

Why is it so important to you?

[empyrean_mirror]

Why wouldn't it be? Loneliness is...deadly.

[Kaveh doesn't look up from the couch.]

Why would I ever want to let someone else suffer through that?

[book2thehead]

[He lets out a soft sigh.]

And what makes you so sure that I'm lonely?

[empyrean_mirror]

I've seen that look in your eyes in the mirror, before. I know damn well what it means.

[book2thehead]

[That almost makes Heizou want to laugh. Not because it's funny.]

Can it really be called loneliness if it's just what I'm used to?

[empyrean_mirror]

Yes. [Kaveh sighs.] It never matters how used to it you get. That emptiness is always still there.

Even standing in the middle of a crowd that praises all you've done...all you'll remember is that the month before they called you a lunatic for it.

[book2thehead]

Oh? Then what would you say is the cure for this loneliness? What's filled that emptiness for you, in your experience? Is genuine kindness from another all it really takes?

[empyrean_mirror]

It's a start. It doesn't fix it overnight. But if you let it...if you let it, drop by drop the well fills. You probably...won't even notice it happening. I'm not sure I'd have...

[...]

There are people who would help you, and you'd never notice they've held out their hand because you convinced yourself you didn't deserve it.

[book2thehead]

It's not a matter of whether or not I think I deserve it...

[Well, it is a little, but that's a deeper rooted issue that Heizou is not examining right now.]

Most people don't just wanna come be my friend, Kaveh. They only want something that I can provide. I'm tolerated because I'm good at what I do. I have no illusions about that. So to have someone ask nothing of me is... disorienting.

[empyrean_mirror]

Is that still true? Or is it true because you don't allow anyone to try?

[kaveh is too drunk to not choose violence.]

[book2thehead]

It's proven otherwise so rarely that yes, I do think it's still true. And if I'm causing trouble or distress just by existing, then doesn't it make sense for me to step away?

[empyrean_mirror]

Hah. You don't, though. And if that were the case Cyno would live a much more isolated life, but he's the most warm-hearted person I know...

[...He can't believe he's trying to think of a pun. Cyno, he misses you so much. :(]

I think once you've decided it's true someone's uncomfortable with you, you don't ever let them prove otherwise.

[book2thehead]

[He doesn't know a Cyno. So that comparison kind of just goes right past him.]

If I have the evidence I need to interpret that way, then what point is there in dragging things out unnecessarily?

[Heizou huffs out a little sigh and wipes a hand down his face.]

At any rate, the problem is obviously not with you. You shouldn't feel bad about it.

[empyrean_mirror]

What evidence?

[book2thehead]

I'm speaking more generally, Master Architect.