Bedroom Talk

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Type: Voice/Text
Sender ID: hammertime (Darin Altway)
To: Public
Subject: beds
Warnings: He's so stupid you guys

[Darin clears his throat because forget typing all of this out.]

Okay guys, I need you all to settle a bit of an argument Zelda and I are having.

See, we were out shopping for furniture for our new place and she tells me I need a bed. I say "you're right, I do! I know just the type!" So I go and I show her the hammocks because back home, I slept in a hammock. So she says [Darin clears his throat and proceeds to do his best Zelda voice] "Don't be preposterous, a hammock is not a proper bed."

Which is wrong. Because a hammock is totally a bed. Lots of things can be beds. So, to prove my point, I made this chart.



As you can see by this chart that I spent entirely too much time on, the parameters that dictate an objects "bedability" are thus. I think it's a pretty open and shut case.

Anyway, I think this explains why I should be allowed to get a hammock in my room. You guys are on my side on this, right?

[Just...you know. Ignore how he casually dropped that they're living together because he's brain dead.]

Comments

[desirestruth]

I told you, I was born like this. I am alive enough for that to have happened.

[Darin you are being very aliveist right now.]

I was fine with the bull because guiding the dead back to rest is part of my job.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

...What, like...like the grim reaper?

[LISTEN HE'S TRYING TO NOT FREAK OUT]

[desirestruth]

The what?

[forgeabettertomorrow]

He's kinda...this skeleton who comes and takes your soul?

It's a story.

[desirestruth]

I am absolutely not a skeleton and I do not take souls.

[WHAT IS THIS MALARKY.]

[forgeabettertomorrow]

I didn't say you were! I said you were like one! And I didn't say you took souls either!

[desirestruth]

What else is implied by asking me that question?!

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Because you said you said you guided the dead to rest! That's what a reaper does!!

[desirestruth]

It's not--listen.

[He can't see it, but she pinched the bridge of her nose.]

I am the Guardian of the Black Forest. Said forest is ancient, so thick no light penetrates to the floor, and contains so much magic it has a personality, and moves trails around when it feels sassy. People get lost in there all the time.

When I find them alive, I send them home. When I find them later, I put them to rest. That is my job, understood?

[forgeabettertomorrow]

... ... ...

Have you tried putting up signs?

"Cranky Forest, Do Not Enter?"

[desirestruth]

What a wonderful suggestion no one's ever thought of before.

[The sarcasm is so thick you could choke on it.]

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Really?

Because that's like...the first thing I thought of.

Second thing was a fence but a fence around a forest seems kinda...out of place??

[desirestruth]

I was being sarcastic.

People who tresspass into the Forest do not usually care if they have permission.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Ooooh.

So, what's in the forest that people are stupid enough to keep trying to get in?

[desirestruth]

Game. Herbs. Wood hard as dragonscales. The wellspring of magic on the continent.

[A pause.] Sometimes lost sheep or children looking for a pet. The Forest tends to make them easy for me to find quickly, those times.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Whoa, wood as hard as dragonscale?

Not gonna lie, I'd probably be stupid enough to go in to find something like that.

[desirestruth]

And I'd be gracious enough to haul you back out of the Forest before it kills you for touching the trees, isn't that nice?

[forgeabettertomorrow]

So what do you do if a person doesn't want to go willingly?

You don't kill them, do you?

[desirestruth]

Depends on what they came in there to do, really. I've got no problem killing kidnappers dumb enough to make that shortcut.

[Just gonna let that idea linger.]

But you're not gonna win a fight with me inside the Forest. It's perfectly willing to lend me more power to toss people out on their ass.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

...Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but I would kinda be interested in seeing you at the top of your game just to see how challenging you'd be.

[desirestruth]

I don't tend to fight for fun, so you're going to have to offer me something more than curiousity.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

...Hm.

Well, I think I'd have to get to know you better before I could offer you something. Asking "well, what do you want?" just seems like a cop out.

So, I guess the first step is learning more about you!