shellphones | Bedroom Talk

Type: Voice/Text
Sender ID: hammertime (Darin Altway)
To: Public
Subject: beds
Warnings: He's so stupid you guys

[Darin clears his throat because forget typing all of this out.]

Okay guys, I need you all to settle a bit of an argument Zelda and I are having.

See, we were out shopping for furniture for our new place and she tells me I need a bed. I say "you're right, I do! I know just the type!" So I go and I show her the hammocks because back home, I slept in a hammock. So she says [Darin clears his throat and proceeds to do his best Zelda voice] "Don't be preposterous, a hammock is not a proper bed."

Which is wrong. Because a hammock is totally a bed. Lots of things can be beds. So, to prove my point, I made this chart.

As you can see by this chart that I spent entirely too much time on, the parameters that dictate an objects "bedability" are thus. I think it's a pretty open and shut case.

Anyway, I think this explains why I should be allowed to get a hammock in my room. You guys are on my side on this, right?

[Just...you know. Ignore how he casually dropped that they're living together because he's brain dead.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh uh

1) thats a good idea
2) I guess that makes sense
3) IM NOT EMBARRASSING MYSELF WHAT THE HELL

4)!!!!!! WOW WHY THE HELL NOT?!

[Yeah Darin he's not gonna bother answering you here. Good luck with... whatever it is you're doing.]

IT'S FINE YOU DID NOTHING WRONG MEHRAK JUST CUT ME OFF

YOU'RE PERFECT

AND YOU SHOULD TELL HER YOU WANT TO KISS HER

WHAT IS HAPPENING I JUST WANTED TO WIN AN ARGUMENT ABOUT A BED

[Muffled, shouting at the phone as though it's being held away from him.]

THE BED! THAT YOU ARE ARGUING WITH YOUR ROOMMATE WHO YOU DESCRIBE AS EXCEEDINGLY KISSABLE ABOUT!

YOU LOVE HER YOU FOOL! KISS HER! DON'T SPEND TEN YEARS DENYING THE WAY YOU FEEL!

...Man, talk about a domestic squabble.

Sure glad I don't have that problem with my roommate.

[And from somewhere else on the network, comes a sweet voice:]

I thought we were supposed to be gentle with him, Kavah.

I WAS DONE WITH GENTLE WHEN HE MADE A BED CHART INSTEAD OF NOTICING SHE WANTS A BED SHE CAN CUDDLE IN, JILL!

[He's still trying to climb his husband to retrieve his phone but Mehrak has helpfully lowered input volume so he is not deafeningly loud. Everyone say thank you Mehrak.]

[Thank you, Mehrak.]

And now you see why I decided being straight forward was the best option to start with. Saved me from losing my patience.

Though ten years? Where did you get that number? None of us have been here for that long.

That is how long it took us, Jill.

[He is trying to save this boy. He's trying so hard.]

I see.

[Notice she doesn't judge. It took her and Clive half that.]

And what changed things?

...He helped me. When I had nowhere else to go. And then went out of his way to help me again.

I didn't think I deserved second chances but he gave them to me anyway. Jill, he's not a patient man, and yet...

Yet he's patient for you and that's all that matters.

Perhaps Zelda is being patient for Darin and Darin only. Their moment of realization just hasn't come yet.

[A cough.]

His moment, I mean.

Hard to tell if he really doesn't know or if he's just very deep in denial, honestly.

I'd just like it if they let themselves be happy.

It may be a bit of denial, but I also think he hasn't truly considered himself as someone who one would care about. He has a history to work through and I think it's preventing him from seeing Zelda the way we see his feelings for Zelda.

Now I'm wondering if she's the same as him.

[You know, clueless.]

HEY SCREW YOU I WORKED HARD ON THAT CHART DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO THINK OF 'PARACHUTE?!'

What the hell even is a parachute?

A big blanket that lets you fall from the sky without dying?

Why not just use a glider?

Obviously because flying and sleeping is a really bad idea.

Come on, what do you take me for?

Someone who doesn't know he's in love with his best friend.

[So, an idiot.]

I'm not in love with Garrus, why would you even imply that?

...Alright I think it's time to log off.

Good luck with him, Princess.

My name's Darin, not 'Princess.'

[...Wait.]

Wait what—

[DOES SOMEONE ELSE KNOW ZELDA IS A PRINCESS?!?!?!]

Bedroom Talk

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