shellphones | Anonymous Text

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Anonymous Text

Type: Text
Sender ID: Anonymous (Hawks)
To: Public
Subject: General advice
Warnings: None intended, will update if necessary.

Have you ever had to reinvent yourself?

I mean, have to might be a bit much, but let's say you get a chance to, and maybe there's some things you want to leave behind, and anything that could've been stopping you before, isn't.

How would you do it?

It just seems like an awkward conversation to have.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Seems like it might be important to you, if you're posting about it like this.

In my experience things that eat away at you like that don't stop.

Do you want to say what kind of thing it is you'd be asking of them, or what kind of questions you're afraid you'll get?

Not really, which is probably not a good start. I swear, I'm usually a much better speaker.

Who I am is curated, and I'd just like to be myself, I think. Not that I know what that means, but let's say I do. I think people might feel deceived, which I guess they have been, but it isn't nefarious or anything. I just didn't have a choice.

[ Alright, he does at least have suspicions on who this might be now. But he's not going to bring that up. ]

I don't think it's deceitful, to have accepted what others told you to be.

You'd be letting them know you've figured out something new about yourself. That you feel you have the freedom to do that. I'd like to think if these people are your friends, they would be happy for you.

I don't know if they would or not. They're also all in the dark, completely, which is why I think there will be questions and I don't know if it's something I want to get into, but it wouldn't make sense otherwise.

There's things people don't know about me.

Are these things that you feel you would be judged for, or you simply don't want to talk about?

I don't know that you owe them answers you're not ready to give. You don't necessarily have to explain everything.

[ If this is about what he thinks it might be, there's probably still ways to gloss over a lot.

...Either way that's all easy for him to say to someone else. He still spent months stewing in his own guilt before he brought up certain things. ]

Even if someone likes you, they'd probably still judge you, they just might be polite enough not to say it. It's both. I was in a bad situation of my own making, it's my fault things ended up this way. I'm pretty sure that will be self-evident.

I haven't hurt them or anything, before you ask. It's not about atoning to them.

I'm just selfish.

I don't know about that. I had someone I felt that I'd been deceiving for a time, and they didn't see it that way, or judge me.

[ He still thinks he'd be judged more harshly if he tells other people his own past, but this isn't about that right now. ]

I don't know that anyone would be upset with you for a situation that was only bad for you.

And I don't think it's selfish to want to be seen. Not selfish in a way that takes something from someone else.

It could be an unfounded fear, but I don't know if it is or not.

I can't say the situation was only bad for me. There are things I should've done and didn't.

I don't know if it's worth disturbing how things are, just to satisfy myself.

I'm sure most people have things they could have done different, or better. Just because that may be the case doesn't mean they have a right to judge you harshly.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to satisfy yourself, as long as it's not at the expense of someone else.

It takes courage, changing anything. In the world or in ourselves.

But there's a weight off your shoulders, when people can truly see you.

I consider myself courageous in a lot of ways, but I'm not sure what's so different this time.

There's only one person who's truly seen me, I think, and I'm glad for it. What if people prefer the illusion?

I know it can feel harder, when it's for yourself.

Well, you said you're glad that one person has. I can't promise some people won't prefer the illusion, but... how would you feel if people prefer the real you?

I bet there's people who will, even if maybe they're not all the same ones.

That would be nice, but I'm also not sure why they would. I'm very flawed and the illusion isn't.

Even now, just thinking about this, and talking to people in the vaguest terms this feels so impossible to do.

Everyone else has flaws, too. Every single one of us. But maybe it's easier to get to know someone genuine.

[ This might be what you get for having a boyfriend who loves to internalise the things you say to him. ]

What feels so impossible about it, can you put a name to that?

It might be, but I also might be genuinely unlikeable. I mean, everything was choreographed for a reason right?

No. I can't it just...feels that way.

If everything was choreographed then someone was putting on a show. Doesn't sound like any way to live a life. [ Says the guy who is only beginning to learn to stop performing in some capacity or another. ] What makes you think you'd be unlikeable?

I think I can understand that. But maybe it won't feel so heavy once you take a first step.

No one liked me before I became what I did. I don't know why it would be different now. I mean, that's why they told me to act that way right?

What were you like back then? How long has it been?

[ He almost asks how old were you, but decides against it. ]

It's been seventeen years give or take. Maybe eighteen now.

I don't know, I was quiet and withdrawn. I didn't have very much to say. I was always trying to fix things, but I didn't know how to do that so I don't know how much I was helping the situation.

[ You know what if this isn't Keigo he's very concerned about anyone with this much in common. ]

...And how old are you now?

None of that sounds like a reason to dislike someone. Sounds like you were doing your best to me.

Yeah, maybe, but those aren't the kind of qualities people like.

I'm twenty-four probably, with my time here. Twenty-three if you go with my last birthday at home. Hard to really say.

[ ...Should he say who he is? Is it alright not to? ]

I think caring enough to try to fix things is a quality people like.

Anyway that makes you what, six? Disliking a child that small just seems cruel. And I'm not sure it says much about what people would think of you now.

I guess, but I really didn't know anything.

It's not any better now. When things came out at home, even though I just saw the immediate aftermath, it wasn't exactly pretty. I know this and still, I think you're right, I just...don't feel seen.

You were still trying.

That sounds like someone else told people their way?

You seem like someone who cares a lot about other people. Puts them first. You have a right to feel seen, too.

There was nothing to deny. I can't deny where I came from, and how that makes people see me.

I don't worry about myself much, so I don't know why this bothers me so much. It shouldn't matter.

Even if there was nothing to deny, someone else's narrative isn't the same as you choosing what to tell people.

It's alright to worry about yourself. If it bothers you this much, then it matters.

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