Bedroom Talk

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Type: Voice/Text
Sender ID: hammertime (Darin Altway)
To: Public
Subject: beds
Warnings: He's so stupid you guys

[Darin clears his throat because forget typing all of this out.]

Okay guys, I need you all to settle a bit of an argument Zelda and I are having.

See, we were out shopping for furniture for our new place and she tells me I need a bed. I say "you're right, I do! I know just the type!" So I go and I show her the hammocks because back home, I slept in a hammock. So she says [Darin clears his throat and proceeds to do his best Zelda voice] "Don't be preposterous, a hammock is not a proper bed."

Which is wrong. Because a hammock is totally a bed. Lots of things can be beds. So, to prove my point, I made this chart.



As you can see by this chart that I spent entirely too much time on, the parameters that dictate an objects "bedability" are thus. I think it's a pretty open and shut case.

Anyway, I think this explains why I should be allowed to get a hammock in my room. You guys are on my side on this, right?

[Just...you know. Ignore how he casually dropped that they're living together because he's brain dead.]

Comments

[desirestruth]

How should I know? I'm not even sure I'm the same thing as whatever they are in your world.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Well, what are Dhampir where you come from? Maybe that'll jog my memory.

[desirestruth]

Well, they're what happens when a vampire doesn't fully drain their victim and the corruption isn't purged from their blood before it reaches their heart, usually.

I was born this way, though, so it's a little different for me.

1/2

[forgeabettertomorrow]

THAT'S WHERE I HEARD IT!! THEY'RE VAM—

2/2

[forgeabettertomorrow]

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

1/2

[desirestruth]

[SWEET BABY TITS OF ALUCARD MY FUCKING EARS--]

2/2

[desirestruth]

Stop screaming.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

My blood tastes really bad, I'm just

Tossing that out there.

You don't want any of what I've got going on.

[desirestruth]

...

[Deep, exceedingly tired sigh.]

I try not to drink from humans regardless.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

..."try"

[desirestruth]

Animal blood wasn't really sufficient when I was missing most of my stomach.

It was a consensual donation, in any case.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

So you're...not.

Technically alive?

[desirestruth]

I am, technically speaking, half alive.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

...Okay, so you're an optimist. I can roll with that.

Is that why you were so cool with the ghost bull?

[desirestruth]

I told you, I was born like this. I am alive enough for that to have happened.

[Darin you are being very aliveist right now.]

I was fine with the bull because guiding the dead back to rest is part of my job.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

...What, like...like the grim reaper?

[LISTEN HE'S TRYING TO NOT FREAK OUT]

[desirestruth]

The what?

[forgeabettertomorrow]

He's kinda...this skeleton who comes and takes your soul?

It's a story.

[desirestruth]

I am absolutely not a skeleton and I do not take souls.

[WHAT IS THIS MALARKY.]

[forgeabettertomorrow]

I didn't say you were! I said you were like one! And I didn't say you took souls either!

[desirestruth]

What else is implied by asking me that question?!

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Because you said you said you guided the dead to rest! That's what a reaper does!!

[desirestruth]

It's not--listen.

[He can't see it, but she pinched the bridge of her nose.]

I am the Guardian of the Black Forest. Said forest is ancient, so thick no light penetrates to the floor, and contains so much magic it has a personality, and moves trails around when it feels sassy. People get lost in there all the time.

When I find them alive, I send them home. When I find them later, I put them to rest. That is my job, understood?

[forgeabettertomorrow]

... ... ...

Have you tried putting up signs?

"Cranky Forest, Do Not Enter?"

[desirestruth]

What a wonderful suggestion no one's ever thought of before.

[The sarcasm is so thick you could choke on it.]