[VOICE] | un: hammertime

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Type: Voice with Screencaps!
Sender ID: hammertime
To: Public
Subject: Shellphone Tech Support
Warnings: Stupidity

Okay, I admit I'm not the best when it comes to technology but I'm seriously running out of patience here! All I want to do is text someone! I was able to text them before but then I changed their name in my phone and now I can't AND IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I CAN'T GET NEAR CERTAIN PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THESE BRANDS BUT IF I CAN'T TEXT SOMEONE NOW EXPLODING PRISONS ARE GONNA BE THE LEAST OF THEIR WORRIES.

[Darin takes a deep, steadying breath. Normally, the person he would go to for tech support is Zelda. A person he cannot presently go anywhere near. So now he's the network's problem.]

Look. Okay. I just. I need someone to look at my contacts and tell me if I screwed something up. Because I don't know what I did. I just changed one contact. I change contact names all the time! All the time!

LOOK. HERE.



CAN ANYONE SEE THE PROBLEM BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO TEXT SOMEONE AND EVERY TEXT I [Sounds of fingers furiously tapping] TRY [More tapping] I GET [TAPPING]

... ... ...

"MESSAGE CANNOT BE DELIVERED" MY BRIGHT, BLUE ASS!!! WHO THE HELL MADE THESE PIECES OF—

[Darin is drowned out by the sound of wind because he did, in fact, throw his phone.]

[He will retrieve it shortly once it lands.]

Comments

voice; un: headhunt

[headhunt]

Hot and horny, Fairyhead?

( she clicks her tongue. )

Missed opportunity to use a photo of my tits. Or are you still frightened of them?

[forgeabettertomorrow]

I don't have a picture of those AND I NEVER SAID I WAS FRIGHTENED OF THEM, KARLACH!!!

[headhunt]

Didn't have to. Your tender face said it all.

( a little laugh. )

Promise that the girls won't hurt you.

( can't actually promise that. )

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Okay but seriously, you keep threatening me with them. I'm not scared of them but I can't help but wonder when you're just gonna surprise me with them.

[headhunt]

When you least expect it.

Then bam, red titty in your face.

But if you cry, I take a photo.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Okay but at this point I feel like I should always be on guard for you just flashing me.

And I'm not gonna cry! Why the hell would I cry?! They're probably fantastic!

[headhunt]

Probably?

( probably? )

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Yeah? ...What?

I'm sure they're pretty great?

[Probably!]

[headhunt]

You don't sound confident that they are. Unbelievable. I thought we were friends.

( there's a clear tone that she's joking, voice taking on a dramatic turn. )

[forgeabettertomorrow]

[Darin is reasonably sure she's joking.]

[But he's also an idiot.]

[And is prone to escalating.]

Oh come on! We're totally friends! I'm just— look! They're awesome, alright! Impeccable! The second best pair I've ever seen!

[headhunt]

Sorry—?

( oh stop, he's too much fun. )

I couldn't quite hear you. Could you tell me louder?

[forgeabettertomorrow]

KARLACH CLIFFGATE HAS THE SECOND BEST PAIR OF TITS I'VE EVER SEEN!!!

[headhunt]

Yeah, man! Keep going!

( cheering. )

And who is the first?! Tell me who you think has the best tits!

1/2

[forgeabettertomorrow]

[Darin squares up and takes a really, really deep breath. Karlach has him fired up. There is only one true answer to this question. One that he knows in his heart of hearts. To whom do the finest pair of tits belong to? The tits against all other tits are judged in Darin's eyes?]

[But as opposed to belting out a name, he exhales and takes steadying breath.]

2/2

[forgeabettertomorrow]

[Then he smirks.]

Heh, I see what you're doing. You're trying to get me to say a specific name aren't you?? I can see through your little trick. I'm not gonna fall for it this time! Not like when I said that Zelda having a perfect ass was a truth of the universe!

Sorry, Karlach! Try again~!

zelda is going to delete her account

[headhunt]

Alright.

( she nods despite the fact no one can see it. )

So Zelda doesn't have the best tits according to you? Too small? Not your shape?

Or kill Darin. Or both.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

What? No, they're literally perfect.

[headhunt]

But you wouldn't say her tits are the best? She's going to be heart broken.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Yeah, but what if I make a public declaration like that and it embarrasses her.

[headhunt]

I'll help her get revenge by embarrassing you back.

( obviously. )

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Hah! Joke's on you, I'm not embarrassed so easily!

voice | un: netherese

[netherese]

[Look, this is really none of his business, but—]

Karlach, really; perhaps you ought to take it easy on the poor boy. At this rate, you're going to kill the young man, and then no one will be happy, including you.

[That he's managed to say all of that with a straight face is incredible, because he's absolutely been laughing while listening along, against his better judgement.]

no, gale. run.

[headhunt]

Can you believe he thinks my tits are only second-best?

he's playing a dangerous game with his own life

[netherese]

[HM.

If Karlach were anyone but who she is, this would most certainly be a trap. It likely still is, but a far less malicious sort, or so he would hope.]

I feel I ought to take extreme caution in how I answer this. Clearly, he's been blinded by the fact that his affections are decidedly elsewhere.

[He's glad she can't see how red his face has to be at the moment, but she can probably hear it at this point.]

♥

[headhunt]

( it's certainly a trap, but a harmless one. )

What I'm hearing is you think mine are the best.

( playfully. )

Always knew you were a man of taste.