shellphones | [VOICE] | un: hammertime

Entry tags:

[VOICE] | un: hammertime

Type: Voice with Screencaps!
Sender ID: hammertime
To: Public
Subject: Shellphone Tech Support
Warnings: Stupidity

Okay, I admit I'm not the best when it comes to technology but I'm seriously running out of patience here! All I want to do is text someone! I was able to text them before but then I changed their name in my phone and now I can't AND IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I CAN'T GET NEAR CERTAIN PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THESE BRANDS BUT IF I CAN'T TEXT SOMEONE NOW EXPLODING PRISONS ARE GONNA BE THE LEAST OF THEIR WORRIES.

[Darin takes a deep, steadying breath. Normally, the person he would go to for tech support is Zelda. A person he cannot presently go anywhere near. So now he's the network's problem.]

Look. Okay. I just. I need someone to look at my contacts and tell me if I screwed something up. Because I don't know what I did. I just changed one contact. I change contact names all the time! All the time!

LOOK. HERE.

CAN ANYONE SEE THE PROBLEM BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO TEXT SOMEONE AND EVERY TEXT I [Sounds of fingers furiously tapping] TRY [More tapping] I GET [TAPPING]

... ... ...

"MESSAGE CANNOT BE DELIVERED" MY BRIGHT, BLUE ASS!!! WHO THE HELL MADE THESE PIECES OF—

[Darin is drowned out by the sound of wind because he did, in fact, throw his phone.]

[He will retrieve it shortly once it lands.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[You know, he didn't think it would be this bad. The dubious benefit of your closest confidant and partner being on the same randomly selected team as you. He thought he'd had pain before.]

[Thankfully, he heard the key in the lock and wasn't... completely startled by the blue blur bursting into the cramped little apartment. The screaming, the bolt of pain, and... ]

I've - seen more graceful drunken elcor. [It isn't as dry as he'd like it to be, given he'd dropped his tools to clasp a hand on his arm and all.] Stop screaming, I have neighbors!

And I liked that table!

[Darin scrambles out the door on all fours.]

I WILL BUILD YOU A NEW ONE!!

GODS I HATE THESE STUPID BRANDS I CAN'T GO NEAR MY GIRLFRIEND OR MY BEST FRIEND!!

[After a moment, exhaling sharply through the pain, Garrus hobbles over to a chair where he can see out the door.]

It was an antique. They're classy.

[You know, just casual conversation while the small distance mitigates some of the stupid brand pain.]

... I thought Karlach was in the same Armada as you.

[Garrus Vakarian, missing the damn point.]

Yeah she is, we went camping.

Doesn't change the fact that stupid politics is keeping me from the people I care about most.

Hell, I couldn't even help you because I was on the run. You probably got arrested because of me.

Can't argue that. Politicians never do anything useful - even when they do, there's always a catch.

[Even Wrex got in on that. Granted, he kind of had a better reason than most, but still.]

To be fair, I didn't exactly make it very public. [To the last bit, he shuts his mouth with an audible click. Because, yeah, that. That did play a part.] I do have a history of pissing people off, though. Don't blame yourself too much.

Oh stop trying to spare my feelings. I'm not gonna fall apart again. But I'm not gonna pretend like I'm not at fault either. I could have— should have fought.

I owe you an apology. So you can either accept it like my best friend or deflect like you always do.

All right. Then you're an idiot who should have stood up for himself. [That was easier than he thought.] But, I'm serious about that habit of mine. Do you think my face was always this ruggedly handsome?

[Yeah he's doing the comedic deflecting a little here, but - hold on.]

Your what?

You heard me.

Best friend.

You've been looking out for me from the start but I never thought I was worth it. It was insulting to you. You're an adult. You can decide what's worth fighting for or not. I'm done turning away the people that matter to me, pretending like I know better than they do.

[404 ERROR; RESPONSE NOT FOUND]

[Has - has anyone ever said that before? About him? Would Tali? Would Shepard - okay that's a stupid question, of course Shepard would. Liara?]

[Hold on, Darin, he's having a brief internal crisis over this. His brain will reboot in 3-5 business days.]

I uh... was not expecting this. I don't have my cue cards prepared for this speech. Now - don't get me wrong, I'm not unappreciative.

Where is this coming from?

[Are you dying.]

...Zelda made me realize how stupid I've been. How I was hurting people by forcing my own insecurities onto them.

Caring about someone doesn't come from nothing. And I was ignoring that to subscribe to my own self-pitying narrative.

I don't have to be a monster to hurt the people I love. Ignoring them hurts just as bad.

So...I'm sorry. I'm going to be better from now on.

[He's got to figure out how to laugh better or else people are going to start thinking he's choking.]

Of course. [But it's not a derisive comment. It's the tone of "been there".] The people we love definitely have a way of pulling our heads out of our asses, don't they?

[He shakes his head.] All right, apology accepted. You'll be held to that, you know.

Yeah, I expect it. If I start pulling that again, I expect you and everyone else on the crew to really knock some sense into me.

That said...how are you holding up?

I'll get a special rifle, just to tag you with for if you pull your old habits again. Nonlethal. Maybe a water gun.

[Can't be a spray bottle! That's too easy!]

Well... they broke a leg. Peeled off the tattoo that lets me survive here... and then someone broke my antique table. I'm devastated.

Wait, but you got the tattoo back right?!

No, Darin, I'm a ghost.

[DEADPAN. ABSOLUTE DEADPAN.]

Oh shut up! Let me be worried about you, ass!

But...still, that just really solidifies my line of thinking. All of this brand and faction stuff...

...I want to do away with it.

[His jaw flexes in a grin. And then he angles his head to the scarred side - yep. Tattoo is back.]

Shepard would have done it herself right then and there if she could've, I'm sure.

[He sighs, then, resting his elbows on his knees.]

That's a big idea. Not saying it's a bad one, especially after all of this. But... what's the plan there? Is there one?

...Not yet. Maybe. I don't know. I made a big damn speech when I broke out of jail and I can't stop thinking about all the people who have had their lives turned upside down by these armadas.

It shouldn't be this way, Garrus. People shouldn't be torn apart because one side happened to scoop them up over the other. We've got agency, we can choose on our own.

You know how Hand and Hearth has no allegiances?

It should be something like that.

Ah, so I didn't hallucinate the speech, good to know.

[Look, he's got to be at least a little bit of a jackass before being serious or it's not Garrus.]

It's funny. If you'd talked to me about this a couple years back, I'd never have agreed. You should do one, or the other, you were one or the other. Black or white. Now... here I am. Working for the grey team and talking about turning everything grey.

I say that, because you're going to find people like I was. There's going to be resistance, especially from people who like it this way. You're too stubborn to quit, though, so maybe I'm paranoid.

And maybe they're resist because they're scared, Garrus. Hell, I'm the textbook example of that. But maybe if people saw that it worked, then...

...I don't know. I'm just. Spinning my wheels a bit, I guess. Going stir crazy.

[Or maybe he's just...afraid of getting in over his head. This talk is ambitious for sure.]

Could be that, too.

But... let's scale back a bit. For now. We've got the issue of these brands first. Captain's already got a solution going. I say, that needs to be the focus for the time being.

[Which also gives this new ambition time to sit, and information to be gathered, ideas collected, all of that.]

Yeah. Yeah, and I've been working on the ship. I just...I don't know.

I always feel like I can be doing more. I don't think I know how to relax.

If I didn't want to peel my arm off if I come within ten feet of you, I'd say we could try another jellyfish competition.

[But that won't work for now. And he's technically supposed to be off his feet.]

Other than that... I feel like I'm the last person to advise on how to relax. Unless you want a nonsense project or two.

... ... ...

Depends on the project.

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