Video || A Crabulous Query

[catsgothistongue]

Type: Video
Sender ID: catsgothistongue (Ranma)
To: Public
Subject: Crabs
Warnings: Small mention of broken arm, Ranma's general idiocy

[The video feed opens up to a calm, relaxing beach viewing with waves gently crashing on the shore and crabs scuttering along in their own little world. The screen would change to front-facing mode to show Ranma sitting on the beach, left arm bandaged and in a cast and a few crabs climbing on and off of him. He seemed almost wistful, as if he's about to poise a sagely question...]

Think anyone here tried cooking any of the crabs here yet? [... or not.] Or at the least tried to get a leg off the big one. Imagine how much you could make with just a leg!

[Ranma no.]

Just uh... Just a hypothetical. [He's totally not salivating right now.]

Comments

Text

[telepathicignorance]

(Their face, on the network? Nah.)

They seem kind of intelligent for that.

(At least, the ones on Norhpip do. Almost like people. They communicate, live in homes, make vodka...

Typical of a Human to just disregard all that.)

[catsgothistongue]

Really? Hadn't realized it.

[To be fair, if they're actually sapient and capable of coherent thoughts, Ranma wouldn't eat them.]

[telepathicignorance]

The ones on Norhpip were handing out vodka to people playing Never Have I Ever. I think they made it themselves.

[catsgothistongue]

Oh, right, forgot about that. I wasn't allowed to have any of the actual vodka cause I'm underage or whatever.

[telepathicignorance]

I mean, they can also be reasoned with and have been helping people...

How old are you?

video

[empyrean_mirror]

Ranma, no.

[A beat.]

What happened to your arm?

[catsgothistongue]

What? It was just a passing thought! I'm not going to actually try!

[He has restraint on his intrusive thoughts. Mostly.

Looks at arm. Looks back at screen.] Just a small incident. Not a big deal.

[empyrean_mirror]

...How injured is it, actually?

[He is not buying your bullshit.]

[catsgothistongue]

... Are you asking on a scale of one to ten, or...? Cause right now, it's about a one, and when it happened, it was about a two.

[Now does one scale for 'feels fine' or 'everything is pain'?

Yes.]

text | un: astudyinviolet

[astudyinviolet]

We are trying to gain the favor of a giant crab leviathan upon which these smaller crabs live. Do you think eating the crabs will convince Norhpip to give us any of the information we seek?

[ Even ignoring that these crabs have been communicating with them and thus are closer to people than animal in that respect, not angering the leviathan should be a given?! ]

[catsgothistongue]

I'm joking. Mostly. Look, I'm not actually planning on eating any of them. It was just a passing thought that I wanted to share. We've all had something like that happen to us once before, right?

[None of those include trying to eat a giant crab Ranma.]

Besides, trying to eat the big one's impractical anyway, not unless someone's lofting around a colossal pot to cook it in...

text | un: astudyinviolet

[astudyinviolet]

Not every passing thought needs to be shared, especially when you voice it on Norhpip's back in the middle of the ocean.

But do go on and talk about eating Norhpip's possible subjects or relations. The crabs are already wary of us, and I am positive only good will come of it.

[catsgothistongue]

Do you see how massive Norhpip is? We're pretty much like fleas on a dog's back. It's not going to hear me, not unless these crabs have access to the network like we do.

[If they did, this post would be filled with so many unpleasant comments by now.]

Geez, I said I wasn't actually serious about it. I'm sure they can take a little joke.

[Sherlock should probably figure out that by the recent cast on Ranma's arm, foresight and thinking about what he says isn't his forte.]

[fatalism]

i think that is a terrible idea.

[catsgothistongue]

[Fyodor could see the teen harrumph and hang his head back.]

Can't people take a joke? Do you think I'm actually going to go purposely piss off the crab guy? No, only an idiot would do that.

[... Now accidentally, that's not off the table just yet.]

[fatalism]

i would hope not but i have seen people do very, very very stupid things.

[ admittedly, "accidentally" would be pretty amusing. ]

[catsgothistongue]

So have I. More than I'd like to have. [He could list off just about ten things from his father alone.] But I'm smarter than that!

[Anyone would be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

Knowing his luck... Yeah, people might want to keep away from him just in the case the crabs actually try going after him.]

Though if it did, I could probably take it. [... Certainly not helping people think otherwise of him.]

video.

[verboaten]

Could be a good meal, hypothetically, but just as hypothetically, it might make them and their leviathan make a meal out of you instead. All up to you if you really want to take that hypothetical risk for a couple crab legs.

[in other words, eizen's not actually saying DON'T but just if you do, you gotta be ready to accept consequences.]

CW to be safe: Small mention of animal death

[catsgothistongue]

[... You know, this is the most endorsement of his hypothetical he's gotten yet. You're already better than the last few people Eizen.]

I mean... [Oh gods, he's actually considering it now. But then he quickly shook his head.] Nah, it wouldn't be worth it. You'd need something big enough to even cook just the leg in. Not to mention the fact that you've gotta cook crab almost immediately after killing one or cook them alive, cause bacteria'd quickly break down the meats and pose a health risk or even death if someone ate it.

[That's the only reason why he's not planning on going through with it, and not the reason of 'being the size of a shrimp to the goliath of a crab'.]

[verboaten]

[eizen is more than happy to be the supportive big bro type. if someone wants to do something, let them make their own choice. if someone wants to try to fry up this leviathan for some crab legs, power to them. eizen'd actually be impressed if they tried.]

That just about sums things up. Even if there's some challenge to it, all the little parts that go with along it just make this more of a pain in the ass than a meal worth savoring. You're better off making a meal out of something you can properly preserve and season it to perfection instead.

[catsgothistongue]

[Eizen is quickly becoming his favorite person here. Because he believes in his dreams!]

Yeah, you're right. [Ironic that the one that wasn't immediately opposed to the idea is the one he buckled down on the quickest.] Crab doesn't even taste all that good anyway.

video; un: hyperviolence

[hyperviolence]

I wouldn't actually try, but that pit of tartar sauce felt like a taunt if you ask me.

[catsgothistongue]

People really can't tell if someone's serious or not around here, can they...?

[Do people really think he's that stupid?]

Though you make a good point. Why have a tartar pit if you're not even going to use it? Unless the crabs are eating people...

[They've got a conspiracy on their hands!]

[hyperviolence]

I don't know you well enough to tell, but if it's of any consolation, I wouldn't blame you if you did try something funny.

Man-eating crab. You'd think they have better taste...

[catsgothistongue]

[... He can't tell if Gojo's condoning him or not, and that bugs him!]

... Thaaaanks? [Very hesitant and drawn out.]

I know, right? Who the heck picks tartar sauce as their first choice? Mayo is right there, just choose it instead!

[Might've forgotten they're arguing the semantics of crabs eating people here.]